Good enough? A downton Abbey fanfiction
by Downstairsstories
Summary: I wrote this because I felt so sorry for Elsie and thought there was more behind her worries in season 6 (with marrying Charles) She's so pure and beautiful and does not deserve to feel like that! There will come a second one soon! Its Chelsie. it needs a happy ending! hope you all like this. Sorry for the type mistakes.. I wrote this at late night, but I ll check on it later.. Xxx
1. Chapter 1

Elsie sat down. She felt empty.

Her sitting room was so quiet. Only the sound of her light breathing could be heard in this space.

She looked in the mirror. Then on the clock. 22:40. Then in the mirror again. She took off the corset, and observed herself. She wasn't good enough at all. The many mistakes on her body made her _imperfect_.. She often thought about this, and felt like a complete teenager having "problems that would go away" as her parents would have said. As a grown up woman could not have a low self-esteem? Well Elsie had and actually had a bit since she could remember. When she got her job as a housemaid at the Abbey (sooner to be housekeeper) she met Charles and that` when she fell in love, but also felt less worth. There was a lot of things that had caused her feelings. When she was young and seeing Joe Burns. He didn`t treat her right. She felt used by him. Her childhood and a few memories from school had also made her the woman she was. And not would she ever be defined by this. Ever. She was not that woman. She caring, smart, loving! But not could or maybe even would she see this. And so she looked proud. Tried to hide her feelings the it grew inside of her, one to become worse..

The only thing that could distract her, was working. A part of her work was to help others, and she got away from her thoughts for a second, when helping. However, the only thing that really was making her incredibly happy was Charles. She'd been in love with him for so long, that every time she saw him, she didn't even think about the thousands of butterflies in her stomach. He made her feel alright.

It was 1924 and Christmas was just around the corner. Work had been so stressfull lately, she had`nt been thinking about anything else, at all. It was late sunday and Christmas was on Wednesday. Finally, work was over and she could enjoy a nice cup of hot tea, and a cookie Mrs Patmore had baked the other night.

"amazing" She said as she took a sip and a deeb breath, only to be interrupted by Charles, knocking her door. She didn`t mind. In fact not at all.

"Hi" He said. And looked at her with a smile.

"Would you like a cuppa?"

"Maybe if the tea could wait?" Charles smiled and held something behind his back.

Elsie blushed and felt confused. "Excuse me. What?"

Charles looked for a second at her as if she just came from the moon.

"I brought os a good bottle of sherry. Would you like a glass?"

Elsie felt ashamed as she agreed and found two glasses from the kitchen. How could she be thinking like that? You could not. She cringed by the award situation.

They had long talks that night. Priceless. It was that kind of talks, she didn't mind loosing sleep over. Something happened to the conversation when time said late, and the eyelids felt a little heavier. Silence wasn't awkward. It was beautiful and thoughtful. And as they said goodnight and elsie closed her door, She felt joyful and complete. Then she went to bed.

Christmas Eve! The most joyous day of the year. Oh how she loved christmas! (not yet to know, this was going to be her best christmas of all times) After hearing the beautiful voice of Lady Mary, and the beautiful tones from the piano played by Edith, Charles tapped her shoulder and together they walked to her sitting room.

She was blushing as newer before. She remembered talking to Charles for the first time. She`d felt like this. In fact She`d fell in love, and now he had proposed to her.

What could ever make her feel more pleased? What could ruin it?

And then the thought of her being good enough for Charles faded, and she came back to reality.


	2. Good enough? FINAL PART

"You have no idea how worthless you make me feel"

The reflection didn't answer back. As if she had imagined it. How stupid of her. It would have been nice if it had answered. Just a little word like "Yes, you are nothing" or maybe "No. Do not think about yourself like that."

But no. No answer. Just a silence that filled the room with emptiness.

How could she afford to be so sad? Charles had proposed and that was more than she would ever wish for. And still, it made her body tingle and her lips to smile when she thought about him. That night, when he`d asked her.

How happy she was! But enough was enough and it would never work. Marrige wasn´t suposed to feel like you weren't good enough. And she felt so guilty cause Charles would never make her feel like that on purpose. But it would be like that. She was sure.

Mrs Beryl Patmore knew Elsie (almost) inside out, and spotted instantly when something wasn´t right. Of course she`d noticed that Elsie was trying to hold out the wedding as long as she could.

"So whats wrong?" She´d asked Elsie with a caring look in her eyes.

And so Elsie´d told her what was on her mind. Not all of it, but enough for Beryl to understand what the actual problem was, and as the caring friend she was, she`d promised Elsie to talk to Charles about it.

There were nothing more Elsie wanted, than to marry the man she was so madly in love with, and apparently, were in love with her too. And for once, she felt that it maybe actually would happen!

But no hopes high. She had been disappointed before and she woudln´t mind not to feel like that again.

As the days got by the mistakes got bigger and bigger and if the mirror hadn't been her enemy before. It was defiantly now. It felt as if she´d filled her heart with stones. It felt as if she had a smile laying at her desk and in the morning before she started her day, she did her hair, put clothes on and then the smile. It didn`t come from her. It felt so unreal. A real smile from the bottom of her heart did came tho` when she saw Charles. It got away agin pretty fast when the thought of her making him wait cause of her own issues, but Beryl said she was going to talk to him soon, and in all desperate hope, Elsie waited, hoped and tried to avoid Charles untill then.

A new day started, and Elsie knew Beryl had talked to Charles the other night. She was terrified of what he`d said. How he`he'd reacted and if it all was going to be thrown in the trash.

"So what did he say?!"

And so Beryl spoke about how Charles had spoken about Elsie, and how it did warm her heart.

Next morning she felt wierd. Like happy, but also exited and when she remembered what Charles had said about HER yesterday to Beryl she got so tingely and felt the thousands of butterflies in her body, flying around trying to get in the right direction, like herself.

And as Charles and Elsie spoke. She found out that everyone deserved what she felt in that moment, and all her worries and issues got away. Being appreciated by the man she adored was undescribable and even a human making the darkest crime should have the chance to feel that. Worthy, great, beautiful, enjoyed.

To feel loved.


End file.
